Superman Returns

Superman Returns
Retarded Chimps, 2006



Superman Returns taught me a lot about summer movies, it really was a very good learning experience for me. I learned a lot about summer movies and action movies; what works and what doesn’t. Turns out action movies have been doing it wrong for all these years! Finally, Superman Returns is here to set things straight.

For example, before I saw Superman I had always assumed that summer movies were supposed to be exiting with great set piece fight sequences and hero/villain showdowns, especially since it’s a comic book adaptation. But I was wrong, it turns out summer movies are only allowed about one or two action scenes, and in this case there was only one real action scene, the one with the plane falling from the sky, and even that was pretty dull. But hey, turns out I was wrong, as action is meant to be dull too!

In addition to this, summer action movies should always have a gross amount of time dedicated to character development, but secretly you don’t actually develop characters. You just set up a sort of soap opera character study, except without the soap or the opera or even the character study. Don’t worry, that scene was supposed to add nothing to the story. Oh and don’t forget lots of pointless scenes with your hero flying around in the sky for no reason! Those are a must. Oh and don’t worry, it may not make any sense that no one recognizes Superman as Clark, but…well it makes no sense, there’s no but. That’s what makes it great! It makes no sense! So very philosophical, it’s like Plato is writing screenplays now-a-days. And yes, Superman as a hero is appallingly dull and generic, but who needs those complex heroes anyways? They just are too confusing and make your brain hurt.

Now for every hero there must be a villain. Normally movies try to make the villain look evil and menacing and cast really cool actors to play the role. Spiderman thought it did a good job casting for the Octavian, but they did it all wrong. A villain in a summer action movie should always have an absolutely ridiculous plan for world domination, the sort that could be found on a comic strip from a Fruit Loops box. And don’t worry, the villain was intended to have absolutely terrible lines and he was supposed to have been completely incorrectly cast to the point of absurdity. I know, I know Lex Luther’s plan was childlike and his character was one of the most annoying entities to ever find its way onto the screen, but that’s what makes a summer action movie like Superman Returns so good! Don’t you see?!

In short, the reason I loved Superman Returns so much is because oh how revolutionary it is. All these stupid summer comic book action movies try way too hard! Superman shows them how to do it; Massive run time, like 2 action scenes, a retarded plot, hero and villain… The whole shebang. I really am hoping that producers will see how poorly they’ve been making summer movies and start to imitate Superman Returns, we really need to see a change in the industry. Oh, by the way, the next Superman has been greenlit, but they can’t start production without your help for the script, so please send all of your mentally ill monkeys over to the studios so they can’t start banging away at the script. Judging by the job they did with this one, those monkeys will sure do great with the next!